Matthew Joseph Lawrence
US coppers appear to have arrested “living god ” and opener of hell holes EA Koetting on drugs and weapons charges
Inspector Knacker of the Washington County Drug Task Force stopped a man called Matthew Joseph Lawrence, 33 in the Bloomington area.
He will face five third-degree felony counts for possession of drugs, one third-degree felony count of being restricted possessors of a firearm, and one misdemeanour count each for possession of drugs and drug paraphernalia.
Cops, completely unaware that they were arresting a living God, apparently were acting on a tip from a confidential informant. It looks like the followers of Satan cannot get the reliable evil minions they used to.
After conducting the traffic stop, investigators searched the roommates’ residence in the 500 West block of Los Alamitos Drive.
The search uncovered cocaine, methamphetamine, marijuana and other drugs, along with a gun, Whitehead said.
The reason we say that Koetting “appears to have been arrested” is based on the picture, which is a good likeness and the other reason is that a while back his Facebook page featured a comment from someone who claimed that Koetting’s real name was Matthew Joseph Lawrence. We were going to follow up on this one, but we were a little slow, because our expert was away in the Far East.
The reason we were interested was that Lawarence had a new job – apparently, he was an Apprentice Carpet cleaner for Atlas Carpet Cleaning Company. There he is known by the name Matt who is guaranteed to get that coffee stain off your rug.
While we respect anyone out there who cleans carpets for a living, it is not a job one expects a Living God to be required to do. Particularly if you are making a hell of a lot tapping your demons for cash. After all water into wine is one thing, getting wine out of the carpet is another.
Given that he was supposed to be the sort of person who could open a hellmouth we are surprised to learn that this particular Prince of Evil is a a positive, hardworking and intelligent young man.
However, we have to admit that this story has been eclipsed by the drugs and weapons charges. That is a little more rock ‘n roll and something you would expect to have on your rap sheet. Well, not really if you truly were an evil god you would expect a few mass murders, and at least a couple of beheadings. Possession charges are not the same as dealing charges, and if you were in the UK you probably would not get sent down for a first offence, The US is a little harder on these but a little software on the firearms offences — after all it is practically compulsory to carry a gun over there.
However, the charges do indicate that far from being a Living God, Koetting’s magical street cred, along with his persona is a complete sham. Not only is he not a prince of darkness, he is a low level criminal who spends his days crawling on carpets for stains.
There are two ways that Koetting could setting this:
1. He denies that he is not Lawrence (which we would think was a jolly odd coincidence that a bloke who looks like Koetting should be arrested after being outed as Lawrence the carpet cleaner only a few days before.
2. The charges are mysteriously dropped and the body of the informant is found eaten by wolves in his own house.